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The Meaning of Life
January 2, 2020
The recent events of my life have put me in a state of reflection. Reflection about who I am, why I am the way that I am, and what my purpose in life truly is. Part of the reason why I started blogging was as a therapeutic exercise. Another reason is to help other people who can benefit from hearing my story. You see, I’ve come to realize that I’m a very emotional and sensitive person, but I’ve always pretended to be very tough and business minded. And that is by design. I’ve always felt a sense of urgency to succeed. I started my career on the Chicago Stock Exchange at the age of 18 while going to college at night studying finance. All while keeping a very active social life outside of work and school. I’ve always lived a fast paced life. It’s just something I’ve grown accustomed to over time. Because I’m so driven (and often impatient), it’s very difficult for me to slow down and enjoy the moment, to enjoy what I’ve accomplished and be thankful for what I already have.
After living a wild young adult life, I was finally ready for love, and that’s when I met my husband Eric. I knew the night that I met him that we were meant to be together. We are soulmates and we make an excellent team. We built our family together over the past 6 years while working hard to succeed in our careers. We are very “busy” people with full-time jobs, 3 kids and a dog. Life definitely keeps us on our toes.
We came to a realization 2 years ago that the way we were living our lives wasn’t working. We were spending too much time commuting, in an office setting (not always the most productive setting), away from our children, and in a city that wasn’t conducive to the life we desired (more physical activity and outdoor time). So, we weighed our options and made the decision to move our family from Chicago to San Diego with 3 kids, a dog and my parents in tow. We knew it wouldn’t be an easy feat. And as I mentioned in other posts, some people thought we were certifiably insane for doing it. There were many reasons for this, but most of them were because we were dealing with some impending potentially very serious life situations and knew if we didn’t circle the wagons, we would be ill-prepared for dealing with them. My brother and his wife had built their lives and grown their family in San Diego over the past 25 years, proving it was an ideal location for us.
We moved in October of 2017. Not more than 3 months after arriving in San Diego, my father suffered a major heart attack and nearly died, having been diagnosed with kidney issues and congestive heart failure. Anyone who knows me knows how close I am to my father. This was a huge blow on my heart. So much so that I was no longer able to keep up the front that I had put on for so long, acting as if I wasn’t the emotional and sensitive person that I truly am.
From the day that my father suffered his heart attack (1/2/18) , our family has been on an emotional roller coaster. At first, we thought he was being sent home with medication to die and that surgery wasn’t an option – too risky. Then, in September of 2018, the doctors said the risk outweighed the reward and they performed surgery inserting 7 stents in my dad’s heart to save his life. Post surgery, we didn’t know if he would rebound. It was touch and go through the end of 2018 and into 2019.
I really don’t know what is worse. When someone you love dies suddenly, or when they are suffering and experiencing ups and down with their health over time, which gives you time with them to support them and to pray that their health will improve. Now that my dad has recently turned a corner, I would say that it’s probably the former. I say that because it has given me the opportunity to spend time with my dad and to learn more about his life, talk about how we feel about each other, and to prepare for the worst but hope for the best together. I’m at the point where I can even joke that my dad is like a cat on his 12th life.
All of this has weighed on my mind over the past 2 years and I’ve done some major soul searching. I’m trying to make sense of what my heart is experiencing with my mind. I’ve been trying to reconcile my feelings and emotions to my thoughts. It’s a very complex and exhaustive exercise.
I’ve tried to make sense of everything that has happened and come to terms with everything that will happen in the future. What has led me to where I am at now in my life. Why do I feel so compelled to do what I’m doing?
I’m not a church-going person by any means, but I can safely say that I have a very close relationship with God, my higher being, and the universe. I’ve asked these questions and I have received the answers I have been searching for after much reflection and prayer.
People who know me well know that I was raised not only by very strong parents, but by my grandparents who 3 of the 4 are no longer physically here with us on this earth. They instilled many qualities in me, taught me many lessons, and we shared a love that was so special that all of the energy they dedicated to raising me has become ingrained in me forever. As a result, I’m able to pray, look for signs and guidance, and receive everything I need from them.
So why is it I’m doing what I’m doing? It’s because I HAVE TO.
The people who came before me are calling me to do it. Basically, I am Moana (new post coming soon with this title…stay tuned.)
I’ve finally reconciled for myself the true meaning of life…..and it’s finding meaning IN life. It’s the relationships, the love, the time, the experiences, the quality people in your life that bring meaning to it.
We are all just energy. We spend energy in so many different ways. We spend energy on things that don’t result in a very high ROI, but are necessary. We sometimes waste energy on things that are frivolous. But hopefully most of us are investing energy in the the people and experiences that we deem most important and close to our heart.
A perfect example of someone who invested energy in me is my father’s mother, my grandma Gniady (GiGi). I’ve written about her in previous posts, she was a real hoot. I spent sooo much time with her from the time I was born until the day that she died, just a few years ago. After trying to reconcile in my mind how I might be able to handle and deal with losing my father, someone who I am so close with, it has finally hit me like a ton of bricks. I will never lose him. He has invested so much energy in me that it has become a permanent part of who I am. I can say with certainty to my hero, my Daddy, in the words of my favorite artist – Lady Gaga – “The part of me that’s you will never die.”
People like my Grandma, my Mother (who takes care of my children and my father so patiently every day), the stay at home Mom down the street who might feel what she’s doing goes unnoticed; these are the people that will live forever. Their positive energy will never leave this world, it will continue on in the lives of those who love them for eternity.
It has been quite a journey moving my entire family across the country to be together. Everything that has happened up to this point has happened for a reason. My faith is what led me on this journey, and it hasn’t failed me yet. I’m excited to see what the universe has in store for me in 2020.
#meaningoflife #meaninginlife #usetimewisely #getfoxxi